What happens when you suddenly feel inspired to write again? Apologize to yourself for being away for so long? Dive right in?
A few weeks ago the inspiration struck, but I felt like I had given up long ago and there was nothing left to it.
Oh well. I guess I give up on giving up. Here I am, and with a purpose.
I’ve been learning a lot about myself lately. I always felt fairly self-aware. Being an introvert most my life, I always had time to reflect. I was aware of the world around me and tried to use that to my advantage. Truly, it caused less heartache, less ‘politically incorrect’ moments, and less guilt. Less, however, is key here. I still had many ups and downs growing up and tried to learn from each of them. As a child these ‘downers’ caused me to be more aware of adults and less self-oriented. As a teenager I learned to accept myself, but only after some rejection.
As an adult…it seems like everyday is a new lesson. I’m constantly challenging my understanding and beliefs.
Last year I went through a difficult time in my life full of stress and struggle. Some good came of it, including getting SUPER into blogging and photography, which I enjoyed, but it was almost like a cover-up. However in my everyday life, a lot of bad came of it, too. I almost totally folded in on myself. I was more quiet than usual, more reserved and let almost no one in. I was struggling just to get through every day because I did not like what I was doing. This also caused me to lose the awareness I thought I had about the world. A friend was going through a difficult time in their own life and even reached out to me, indirectly, at least once, and I let them down. I didn’t realize they may have needed me and gave every reason and assumption I had to stay out of it. I thought they didn’t trust me and I didn’t know if I could trust them. But in reality I ended up hurting them more and eventually losing them.
That brings me back to all these adult-sized lessons I’ve been learning. About a year or so and a lost friend later, I’ve healed from the stress, healed from the lost friend and moved forward in many positive ways. I’ve taken time to address my insecurities and learned to trust women more than I had ever allowed before. We’re actually all pretty supportive, in general, and just want acceptance and not feeling like we’re being judged all the time. As I gained confidence in people again, I realized how crappy I was to just allow a close friendship to fall away because of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I felt the strongest desire to apologize. And they accepted. They also explained how all my assumptions about them not needing me were completely wrong, which hit me so hard. I was too wrapped up in my own hurt to notice the full extent of theirs.
Time will tell if they allow me back in their life. I hope so, but I realize the lack of awareness I showed in the past caused a lot of grief. I’m glad to know they’ve allowed us to bring up the truth, and I’m satisfied in letting that take whatever course it should.